Rant of the Day: Papal Rage

You know what I'm sick of? People saying shit all over Facebook for the past week about how this new pope might be better, sounds good/promising, whatever blah blah FUCKIN' blah. You know what I desperately want to comment on their shit to shut them up?? 

Hey there, he's STILL ANTI-GAY, ANTI-ABORTION, ANTI-BIRTH CONTROL muthafuckas, because he's a CATHOLIC POPE for fuck's sake!! What do you expect?? It's a vestigial religion that needs to DIE. It is no longer relevant, even to its current practitioners.

You know when I'll have hope? When they decide to do away with POPES, that's when.

Ok, I'm done.

How to switch your checking account without (completely) losing your mind

Fed up with your corporate bank? Want to switch banks but you’re afraid of the hassle? Switching checking accounts doesn’t have to mean a total disruption of your life.  It does take time though, so allow a good month for the transition. You can learn from the benefit of my experience below.

If you’re old school and are switching to another brick-and-mortar bank in your hometown because you have a need to talk to actual people, you still may find this helpful.

Before you begin the process:

• If you use online Bill Pay, make a list of all your creditors and other people you pay on a regular basis. Don’t forget people who bill you monthly for something using your credit card—your gym membership, Netflix, Spotify, iTunes, etc—you will need to provide them with a new credit card when it arrives. I was able to take screen shots of all my online pay-to accounts, and I made a list that I could check off after I’d added each one to the online bill pay in my new account.
• Make a note of any checks that haven’t cleared yet (who still writes checks? Oh that's right, middle-aged women and old people).
• Steel yourself. Winter is coming.

1. Open the new checking acct with a small deposit to give yourself time to receive checks and debit cards. Most online banks (Ally, ING) offer checking with no minimum balance requirements or fees which will give you time to transition—but you will probably need a small deposit to trigger issuance of debit cards and checks. The answer to the age-old question, 'which comes first, the debit card or the money?' is, the money, duh.
2. Keep your directly-deposited paycheck at the old account UNTIL you receive debit cards and checks for the new accounts—you can always change your direct deposits for the next pay cycle, and transfer any monies from the old account if necessary.
3. While you’re waiting for the debit cards and checks to arrive, add all of your payees to the new checking account so all of your online bill pay stuff will be set up and ready to use in the new account. Don’t underestimate this step. Collect recent copies of your bills so that you can set up the accounts all over again using their pay-to address. This is probably the most time-consuming part of the entire process. (Oh the agony of convenience!)
4. Once you receive debit cards and checks on the new account, switch your direct-deposit paycheck over to the new account. Check with your employer about their direct deposit policies--be aware that when you change a direct deposit account with your employer, it may take 2 pay periods for them to 'adjust'—look, I know it's bs that it takes this long in the electronic age, but that's how it goes. On the upside, they will likely send you a quaint paper check in the interim. Take this time to reminisce about days of yore when you had no bank account and went to the local grocery to cash your paycheck on payday so you could spend it immediately on booze.
5. Switch any automatic drafts (that use a credit card) over to the new account before or just after the next due date to make sure it is withdrawn from a funded account. This will likely be a PITA as well--I haven't yet completed this step, but I'm sure my gym will make me fill out a piece of PAPER listing my new credit card information, blood type, and next of kin, and will SAY they will file it but will likely leave it out somewhere where some disgruntled employee can use it to buy Slankets.
6. Finally, make sure all checks have cleared and transfer any remaining funds to the new account and, once you’re sure that everything has cleared, close the old checking account (suck it BOA).