Vegas for the 6th Time

Last month I was in Vegas for work, again, and I wrote down these thoughts near the end of my trip. I think it about sums it up.

People everywhere all the time, with children! Babies! Multiples!  Less porn card flicking on the streets than I remember. I wonder if these two things are connected. Less dinging noises overall when in the casinos—from the slot machines that is. Am I imagining that or is it a fact? Vegas needs to recycle, but I’m sure people don’t want to be bothered with real-world problems like that when in the MOST UNNATURAL PLACE ON EARTH. You only need to eat twice a day: breakfast and dinner. And eating eventually begets ennui. Flip-flops are not the best for walking. Everything is farther away than it seems. Even white women can get ashy. Eye drops are a necessity. Water is a precious resource; hey let’s waste it in a fountain that shoots off daily every half hour! Some people really don’t care what they look like in public. How do these street hawkers end up in those jobs? More people in character costumes on the streets, working for photos and tips. Spotted: Wolverine, Minion, Olaf everywhere, Elsa, showgirls, Captain America, Iron Man, scary Chewbacca. Endless flow of people means endless flow of money. The service workers look tired. Roulette is an easy game you can play for an hour. Even the old, thick cocktail waitresses have to wear boob- and ass-bearing costumes. They blatantly stick ‘le’ in front of words just so they sound French to the average person. I’m ready to go home.

Something has got to change

 I think I'm in the middle of some kind of life crisis. I just turned 39, I've been in the same job for 10 1/2 years, I hate where I live, don't want to move back to where I came from. In a word, I'm stuck. I have the sort of job that is difficult to explain to people outside the industry--and I've never worked anywhere else professionally. And every day lately I dread going to work, because it never stops. It's like if you opened a fire hydrant and had to stand there and let the water blast you full-force in the face. Everyday. And I'm tired. So tired. 

What is my next move? So many options of things to change, but I'm stymied by choice, and the chain of events those choices will start. Yet I've got to move myself forward out of this downward spiral, somehow. Gone are the days when I could just quit a job and move. And fuck expectation--the only people I want to consider in my choices are my husband and my child; no one else matters. I have fewer friends these days, I watch as everyone around me gets older and FUCK it means I'm getting older too, much too fast. The weekdays slowly drift by and I drink wine and watch TV at night, because the weekends are over before they start and I can't ever relax, I just want to be in a cocoon sometimes. I just don't want to go back to work! I can't take a day off, much less a real vacation; it's very much expected that you are tied to your job, and I fight that as much as possible, but it's not always possible. I'm tired of the problems and bullshit, tired of feeling like everyone's dog. Tired, tired, tired.

Man it's horrible to keep living the same life once you've decided you're done with it. But baby steps and I'll get there...