Holycrapamoly!

What a week this has been! I have to take a moment to write it all down, it's been such a crazy ride.

Ok, so last week I was told that I got the promotion I'd been trying for, but with the caveat that I couldn't tell anyone, except a few close friends. So this week, they finally announced my promotion publicly on Tuesday, my birthday was Wednesday, and then Thursday morning I took a pregnancy test and it was positive (and then a blood test Friday confirmed it). Wham! Bang! Welcome to the rest of your life! Could the universe have been any less subtle about what it thinks I can handle?

I started embarking down the pregnancy path last fall, but the job thing only just happened in February, when they posted the positions. I expected one of them to 'take' so to speak, but both! At the same time! This is craziness, and a tad overwhelming--I have a lot of new responsibilities and new things to learn in my new job (which starts tomorrow, officially), and now some of my focus has been shifted away from that towards this baby thing. But I vow to give the same effort at the new job that I would have if a baby had not been interposed.

Still, it's exciting--I'm not really having any symptoms yet (I'm only in my 5th week), and I've told a handful of close friends so that I have people to talk to and commiserate with--but we have decided not to tell our nuclear families until right before we leave for London, and I will also be turning off commenting on my Facebook wall while we are gone to avoid random baby postings, and will probably send out a preemptive Facebook email to family members to keep them quiet! It's sad that I have to consider the FB element in something like this, but it's how we live today, and blurring the lines between work and family on FB is something to be cognizant of. The last thing I need is some distant cousin blabbing their fat mouth on FB about this for my co-workers to see!

I still can't decide when to tell my boss--I was going to tell her the first week of April when we're in California for work, but now I'm thinking I should wait until we return from London to be sure that this is really happening (that is, that we're out of the miscarriage window). Because once I tell her, it will be open season at work, and I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this being public knowledge too prematurely, as it could seriously backfire on me should something go wrong. So if she questions why I'm not drinking, I think I will just muster up some excuse about 'trying' and taking weeks off of drinking. That should hold for the time being. Let's hope she doesn't tell me something nasty to discourage me from trying right now given my promotion--that would be awful! I don't think she will though--she loves babies! Still, you never know how people will react, especially when they have a stake in your professional career.

Despite my usual tendency to look on the downside and expect the worst, I'm really trying to focus on the positive, and am taking it day by day. This is good news and anyone who tries to make me feel bad about it, isn't my friend. I can handle both jobs, and it's not like I'm delivering tomorrow! I have until Thanksgiving week to get adjusted to my new career and prove myself before I have to take a 3-month leave, and I will still get to travel to the sales meeting this summer.

Let the adventure begin!

Last post at 34

It's a quarter to midnight on the eve of my birthday, so I thought I would drop a few thoughts into the universe before I go to bed.

Today was the official announcement of my promotion--a week to the day after I was informed of it. Needless to say, it feels much different now that it is public knowledge! I am relieved to have that over with. I got tons of 'congrats' emails from random and various people throughout the company, some I don't even know, but who I'm sure I will be working with at some point in the future.

It's been weird, it kind of feels like I'm watching this happen to someone else, it doesn't feel quite real. But I'm sure it will feel all too real next week when I officially start. I already know what my first tasks will be right out of the gate, some daunting, some not so daunting. All in all, it's good, but weird.

Things are always weird at moments of transition, I realize this, but I welcome it. I am ready for it.

So on the eve of my 35th birthday, I get a promotion, and am able to fit into a dress that I couldn't fit into 6 months ago, because now I'm in the best shape of my life. How did I spend this night? Eating pizza, drinking wine, and watching episodes of Doctor Who. Yes, underwhelming, but isn't that life? At the end of the day, life goes on as before, on some levels, because it must.

Tired but Thankful Thursday

I stupidly went to two high-impact cardio classes tonight, and now everything is blurry, I'm so tired. Good news is I was able to complete the second one--sure it may have felt a tad like torture towards the end there, but I DID IT.

Now there's a bowl of mini-eggs and a glass of red wine within reach of my hand, and my feet up next to two sweetly sleeping pugs.  Last night I finished booking our London excursions, and just tonight I found the $100 that my father-in-law hid inside a fold-out map in one of the London guides they got us for Christmas.

Oh yeah, and on Tuesday I found out that I got the promotion I've been seeking for a couple of years now. And today the sun was out for the first time in weeks and it got up to 50 degrees.

Awesome weeks like this don't happen often, so I'm trying to enjoy it while it lasts.. Tomorrow the announcement about my promotion is supposed to go out to everyone, so I can stop keeping the secret.

This weekend kicks off my week-long birthday celebration.  My husband is taking me to dinner on Saturday and then out dancing, then we are going to his parents the next day for strawberry-rhubarb pie (my request) and gifts. Wednesday (my birthday) I took the day off, and plan to sleep in, go shopping, and hit two exercises classes in the afternoon (again). And then next weekend, I'm having a few friends over for a party.

I couldn't think of a better way to ring out my 35th year.

Stress Dreams

In the past week I have been subconsciously stressed while waiting to hear the verdict on a job I applied for nearly 6 weeks ago, and this has led to me having stressful dreams.

As if I weren't stressed enough when awake, my subconscious mind is now taking delight in placing me in nightmarish scenarios that don't resolve, and only end when I wake up.

The first dream I was back in high school but as an adult, wandering around labyrinthine hallways, searching for my locker, then finding it, only to discover that I didn't know the combination, and then searching endlessly for my classroom, feeling the entire time that I was going to be late to class. It was like experiencing first-day-of-school jitters all over again, except that I had a full-time day job, and was additionally stressed because I couldn't make the daytime classes. The whole dream I kept saying to myself, 'this is ridiculous, I should be able to find these things, I'm not giving up' but in the end I did give up after wasting hours (in the dream) trying to find the locker and then my classroom and not having any luck. I remember saying something in the dream like, 'I don't need school anyway because I have a job!'

Then this morning I had a work dream--my actual office was in the dream, as well as the people I work with--just the thing I want to dream about on a Sunday morning. In this dream I was suddenly laid off, and wasn't told why. I spent the entire dream trying to find out the reason, texting friends and colleagues to let them know I was fired, but no one would get back to me or even respond. I was shut out cold and left to guess the reason for my dismissal on my own, which was maddening. Was I was late too much? Did they track the amount of time I was on Facebook this week?  Did they find someone better to take my place? Are they laying me off because they are about to promote me to another position? Crazy stuff.

I also bite my nails when I'm really stressed. I was a nail-biter as a child, but as an adult I can control it most of the time, but when I'm stressed, I bite the nails and the skin around the nails, until my fingers are sore. When it's really bad I draw blood because I bite the same area repeatedly. It's pretty awful about now.

I think the way my company handles the interview process is pretty inconsiderate; I mean six weeks wtf?? And I already know I will have to wait another week at least, because some people are still interviewing this coming week, which means nothing will be communicated until the following week at the earliest. That week is also my birthday week. Let's hope it's good news, and that my party turns into a double celebration. In the meantime, I'm going to have to exercise a lot to keep my stress levels in check, and do my best to lose myself in mindless entertainment.

Something's afoot at the Circle K.

I have a strong premonition that I will end this year in a very different place than where I began it, and that my relations to the people in my life will shift and change. Nothing stays the same, change is the only constant, yadda yadda--we all know these platitudes well. But just when you think your life has stagnated, there you are, thrown into a new situation you couldn't have anticipated.

I am filled with a nameless dread of late, a blank anticipation of changes that are sure to come in the near future. I'm going to list them here in an effort to dispel some of my anxiety.

Friendships
I came to the realization last month that I have no real close female friends anymore. When did I become this person without close female friends? I have always considered myself a good friend, and I've always had a handful of tight friendships--but some of those have dissipated with distance, some are currently morphing into something else due to circumstance, and some I no longer find as immediate as they once were. After having a string of intense female friendships for most of my life, I find I have none, and I am strangely relieved. Most of my friendships with women have, more often than not, have been immediate and intense, until one of us disappoints or insults the other, choice words are exchanged, and the friendship ends with no contact whatsoever. I now have regular friendships (mostly with guys) that largely center around hanging out, talking, and going to lunch, and I'm ok with that. Still, it bothers me not to have a close female friend, because I've always had them, and I feel it's something missing from my life at the moment. More on that later.

Work
My job has recently become more stressful and demanding on my time than ever before, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I'm doing too much, or because certain projects are taking up too much of my time. Authors who were once tractable and somewhat reliable have recently become stark raving mad morons who withhold manuscripts out of spite, not for me, but for my company. Because of an upswing in queries from customer service and reps, and from micromanaging a software vendor, I am no longer able to keep my inbox in check, and I feel like things are spiraling out of my control, and that stresses me out.

Family
Even though I'm over a thousand miles away, my family stresses me the fuck out. My sister embroils herself ever deeper with a guy who had a nervous breakdown a few months ago. He's on meds now to control his episodes of extreme paranoia and depression. He will be moving into her new house with her, and she will probably run away and marry him at some point. I worry about my sister and her choices, but hey, she's an adult now, no one can tell her boo. The young think they have it all figured out, don't they? If they marry, I foresee a messy divorce once she finally comes to her senses.

I feel like my grandfather will probably die this year, finally realizing his lifetime goal. It is all he has talked about for at least the past 10 years--his death, his eulogy, his funeral. He asked me to start on his eulogy early so he could read it (I refused)--I think he fancies that I will write a eulogy for him that will make him sound like a saint, convinced that my words will somehow absolve him of all of the sins of his life, which include adultery, lying, and stealing money from my grandma; he is mistaken.

Speaking of grandma (or 'Maw-Maw' as I actually call her, for I am southern), I haven't spoken to her since she misdirected her anger at me instead of the right people at Christmas, and I can't bring myself to call her, and she hasn't called me either. I feel horrible about it, yet I refuse to call her. I think she owes me an apology, but I know I will never get one. Her small, frustrated, subjugated life depresses the hell out of me, and haunts me. I don't feel sorry for her anymore, because people make choices in life, and she chose poorly. How is that my problem?



It's a good thing I've been exercising so much, I think that is really helping with my stress levels. Tonight, for instance, I came home so completely demoralized after today's shenanigans that all I wanted to do was have a drink and go to bed--but I'm realizing that when I'm at my lowest is exactly when I need to exercise. I came back from class feeling much, much calmer. This nameless feeling of dread isn't going anywhere anytime soon, but between the exercise and the occasional drink, I keep it managed. I just hope that none of what I augur is as bad as I anticipate.

Livin' la vida housewife

Today is President's day, and I have the day off work, but my husband doesn't, so I've turned this day into a glorious, do-what-I-want day off for myself. I cleaned the house and pugs yesterday, so I can afford to be lazy today. I started off by sleeping in till 8:30, then went to an exercise class at 9:30 this morning, did a little sweaty grocery shopping for the meal I will prepare later (salmon, rice, veggies), shoveled a little show, took a hot shower, then snuggled up on the couch with the pugs to finish up season 6 of 'Desperate Housewives' on Netflix. Soon, I will prepare a snack, watch a little Oprah, start dinner. My husband will come home, and we'll eat and chat, and then I'll go off to my second exercise class at 7:30, then home for a hot bath, and to bed.

Is this how housewives live? I cannot imagine having all of this time to myself! I don't even have kids, yet I feel guilty somehow, it's an embarrassment of riches. The least I can do is prepare a nice dinner for my poor husband, who had to work today. I feel very lucky and happy that I have a nice warm house, clean pugs in my lap, and the internet to bring me shows to waste my time with.  Oh, and a job that gave me today off with pay.

Maybe those housewives on that popular tv show would have been a bit less desperate if they had stayed in and watched tv more, instead of getting involved in each other's business all the time. That show is beyond ridiculous, and I know that the housewives who do the things they do and look the way they look while doing them are few and far between. Laziness is the key to staying out of trouble! In fact, I may go and take a little nap soon...feeling sleepy from my busy morning.

Long-time indie rock and pop fan discovers the joys of rap music. Film at 11.

So in the past few weeks, I have 'discovered' rap. That's right, rap. A friend gave me a copy of the newest Kanye West album, and ever since, I have found myself increasingly interested, not only in his music, but in his persona.

I confess I have always dismissed rap out-of-hand as 'not for me' until listening to this album. It is completely different from any music I have listened to, ever, and I think that's part of the appeal. It doesn't hurt that Kanye's style is a bit more accessible than other rappers I've heard bits and pieces of. He has a keen sense of melody and storytelling, which I always appreciate.

I've been consuming music at an alarmingly jaded rate these past few years, and my enjoyment of indie rock and the like has waned because of it. Lately, I have been more into pop music, especially dance music, ever since I started going to Zumba (I know how it sounds, but my sister-in-law teaches it, and it ain't your grandma's Zumba). The dance music is definitely linked to the escape I get when I dance in my hip-hop Zumba class, but the rap, well, the rap is providing a very different form of escape for me.

Oh, I know how it looks, and I'm a little self-conscious about it. I am a mid-30s, middle class white girl from the South who works a white-collar job, who drives around downtown Schenectady in her Elantra with the doors locked (locking my doors upon entry is a habit I picked up when living in New Orleans), with rap beats emanating from my car. I know, it's completely absurd. What could I possibly get from listening to a music that was not intended for me in any shape or form, that doesn't speak to my reality or my race or my here and now? I think I just answered that in formulating the question, but I'll attempt to explain further.

I am fascinated by this music because it is so brazenly honest and in your face, and I suspect that is what draws many so-called white people to rap music. There is no pretense, no protocol, no curse words to shy away from, no Ps and Qs to mind, no feelings to worry about hurting. Kanye appears to say exactly what is on his mind, but does so in a way that can be goofy, charming, brilliant, and downright nasty by turns. It is fresh and intriguing to my old ears that have listened  to years upon years of structured, guitar-driven, thoughtful, melodic, witty, depressing, esoteric rock and pop music in their lifetime. When I turn on Kanye and that attitude starts flowing, it's a welcome relief after putting up with other people's bullshit all day long.

I'm still fairly new, but so far his early albums seem to revolve around black-centric issues, it's true, but the subjects are very relatable no matter what your race--heartbreak, loving your mother, other people's expectations (or lack thereof), working shit jobs for no money, escapism, and the like. His new one--well, the misogyny and prevalent mentions of pussy I at times find off-putting (I can't listen to that song 'Blame Game, ever), but musically it is very complex and interesting.

We will see how far my new interest in rap extends. This might be a fixation on Kanye West specifically, or it could expand to other rappers. Only time will tell, and I can be a fickle bitch.