My husband and I attended our first childbirth/lamaze class this week. The class is full of first-timers who are around our age and younger. The instructor is very upbeat. The first night she asked us all to complete a questionnaire so that she could learn more about us, like our due dates, occupations, etc. There were also a couple of questions that she chooses to share our answers to out loud when introducing us: What are you hoping to learn from this class? and What do you think of when you think of the birth?
We got through most of the couples except two--us and the other couple due in early December. Everyone who went answered the second question with things like 'joy' or 'excitement.' I'm pretty sure my answer wasn't one of those. I can't actually remember my verbatim answer, but it had something to do with stress/fear/nervousness! So next week I can look forward to being introduced and having her read aloud my answer to the question that is the title of this blog. Hey, I'm nothing if not honest I guess. You know those other bitches feel fear as well, they are just afraid to admit it lest someone think them unfit mothers!
People tell me all the time that I must be 'so excited' about the coming baby. Why must I be excited? Because everyone expects me to be? I wouldn't call what I'm feeling excitement, exactly. Excitement is what I feel when I'm going on a trip somewhere, or on vacation, something that promises fun, escapism, and immersion. I can honestly say that I don't feel that way about the coming baby! I am a realist, which to most people makes me a pessimist, so I tend to look at things differently. I realize that my life is going to change irrevocably, thank you very much, and I can only imagine the hard work that will be involved, and the sleepless days, etc. This is not going to be a picnic, and instead of excitement I'm feeling trepidation, concern, fear, worry. And I'm not ashamed to admit it.
Overall I think the class will be good for me because the focus is on trying to make us think positively and feel in control of what will be happening to us by educating us about the process. She said Americans generally fear childbirth, whereas that is not the case in other, more enlightened countries. Why am I not surprised? We seem to operate on fear in so many arenas of life in this country. In my opinion, so tenuous is our hold on the good life that we fear everything and anything that could tear it asunder. Most of us are just a couple of paychecks away from the poor house, and swimming in debt up to our eyeballs, so it's no wonder that we're a nation of worriers.
I am someone who definitely needs coaching in order to think positively and focus on the good aspects of the impending birth, rather than just the scary ones. It's just how I'm wired. All of that other "fun" parenting stuff seems vague and distant to me at this point, so focused am I on the practical, the day-to-day. Maybe other people are focused only on the positive parenting stuff, and that's why they can feel excitement and joy about the birth. I'll get there eventually, in my own time. Maybe.
