I turned 36 a couple of weeks ago, and never got the opportunity to do a birthday blog entry. A year ago around this time I got promoted and found out I was pregnant, and since then, it has been quite an adventure. Time suddenly sped up even faster than before, and minutes turned into hours turned into days turned into months into weeks, and now I've been back at work for six weeks and a year has gone by since all of this began. Now I have this little baby that I get to see everyday, and somehow it makes everything less awful. I do so much more with my time than ever before, I look back on my relaxed, indulgent pre-baby life with wonder. Also, my previously troubled relationship with my mother has somewhat resolved itself--all because of the baby. I talk to my mom almost everyday now, which would have been unthinkable a year ago. We have the baby to focus on instead of each other, and talking about her is like a kind of common language between us. Recently my mom actually told me she was proud of me for sticking with the breastfeeding, because my baby is clearly very healthy and growing quite well. I can't remember the last time my mom said she was proud of me.
I am not one to romanticize anything in this life, and my overly realistic point of view prevents me from feeling warm and fuzzy about many things. (If you need proof, see some earlier blog entries.) That said, I am amazed at how happy this baby has made me! I feel such a sense of accomplishment when I think about how big she's grown on my milk alone, and every little advance she makes fills me with awe. I was most surprised by how much I love her--I mean of course you love your own baby, but I really am kind of obsessed with her. When I don't see her for a little while, I get anxious, and when I'm on my way to pick her up, I'm really happy. She's just so neat! I never thought I would be as obsessed as I am--and I'm sure nature intended it to be this way between mothers and babies--so there you go. I just don't know how I deserve to have such a beautiful, smart little being in my life.
It's almost embarrassing to talk about though, so I rarely mention this to other people. In fact, I am so hyper-aware of becoming one of 'those people' who turn every conversation into one about their kids, that I actively try to change the subject most of the time when she does come up in idle conversation with coworkers. After all, no one who isn't family is really that interested in hearing about my kid. And if they ask, they're just being polite. It's hard b/c she is on my mind all of the time, and I naturally want to talk about her, but I have to restrain myself, or risk alienating friends. And god knows I need the social interaction!
Right now I am probably the happiest I've ever been in my life. Seriously. I feel so on top of things, so connected, so in control. Even my post-baby body can't get me down, at least not for long. I'm going to Zumba again, and I know I'll eventually lose more of the weight and will somewhat resemble my former self. But the best part is, I don't even care that much. Everything is so fleeting and temporary, time just races by, and I'm too busy trying to catch moments and make them last.
