Something's afoot at the Circle K.

I have a strong premonition that I will end this year in a very different place than where I began it, and that my relations to the people in my life will shift and change. Nothing stays the same, change is the only constant, yadda yadda--we all know these platitudes well. But just when you think your life has stagnated, there you are, thrown into a new situation you couldn't have anticipated.

I am filled with a nameless dread of late, a blank anticipation of changes that are sure to come in the near future. I'm going to list them here in an effort to dispel some of my anxiety.

Friendships
I came to the realization last month that I have no real close female friends anymore. When did I become this person without close female friends? I have always considered myself a good friend, and I've always had a handful of tight friendships--but some of those have dissipated with distance, some are currently morphing into something else due to circumstance, and some I no longer find as immediate as they once were. After having a string of intense female friendships for most of my life, I find I have none, and I am strangely relieved. Most of my friendships with women have, more often than not, have been immediate and intense, until one of us disappoints or insults the other, choice words are exchanged, and the friendship ends with no contact whatsoever. I now have regular friendships (mostly with guys) that largely center around hanging out, talking, and going to lunch, and I'm ok with that. Still, it bothers me not to have a close female friend, because I've always had them, and I feel it's something missing from my life at the moment. More on that later.

Work
My job has recently become more stressful and demanding on my time than ever before, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I'm doing too much, or because certain projects are taking up too much of my time. Authors who were once tractable and somewhat reliable have recently become stark raving mad morons who withhold manuscripts out of spite, not for me, but for my company. Because of an upswing in queries from customer service and reps, and from micromanaging a software vendor, I am no longer able to keep my inbox in check, and I feel like things are spiraling out of my control, and that stresses me out.

Family
Even though I'm over a thousand miles away, my family stresses me the fuck out. My sister embroils herself ever deeper with a guy who had a nervous breakdown a few months ago. He's on meds now to control his episodes of extreme paranoia and depression. He will be moving into her new house with her, and she will probably run away and marry him at some point. I worry about my sister and her choices, but hey, she's an adult now, no one can tell her boo. The young think they have it all figured out, don't they? If they marry, I foresee a messy divorce once she finally comes to her senses.

I feel like my grandfather will probably die this year, finally realizing his lifetime goal. It is all he has talked about for at least the past 10 years--his death, his eulogy, his funeral. He asked me to start on his eulogy early so he could read it (I refused)--I think he fancies that I will write a eulogy for him that will make him sound like a saint, convinced that my words will somehow absolve him of all of the sins of his life, which include adultery, lying, and stealing money from my grandma; he is mistaken.

Speaking of grandma (or 'Maw-Maw' as I actually call her, for I am southern), I haven't spoken to her since she misdirected her anger at me instead of the right people at Christmas, and I can't bring myself to call her, and she hasn't called me either. I feel horrible about it, yet I refuse to call her. I think she owes me an apology, but I know I will never get one. Her small, frustrated, subjugated life depresses the hell out of me, and haunts me. I don't feel sorry for her anymore, because people make choices in life, and she chose poorly. How is that my problem?



It's a good thing I've been exercising so much, I think that is really helping with my stress levels. Tonight, for instance, I came home so completely demoralized after today's shenanigans that all I wanted to do was have a drink and go to bed--but I'm realizing that when I'm at my lowest is exactly when I need to exercise. I came back from class feeling much, much calmer. This nameless feeling of dread isn't going anywhere anytime soon, but between the exercise and the occasional drink, I keep it managed. I just hope that none of what I augur is as bad as I anticipate.

Livin' la vida housewife

Today is President's day, and I have the day off work, but my husband doesn't, so I've turned this day into a glorious, do-what-I-want day off for myself. I cleaned the house and pugs yesterday, so I can afford to be lazy today. I started off by sleeping in till 8:30, then went to an exercise class at 9:30 this morning, did a little sweaty grocery shopping for the meal I will prepare later (salmon, rice, veggies), shoveled a little show, took a hot shower, then snuggled up on the couch with the pugs to finish up season 6 of 'Desperate Housewives' on Netflix. Soon, I will prepare a snack, watch a little Oprah, start dinner. My husband will come home, and we'll eat and chat, and then I'll go off to my second exercise class at 7:30, then home for a hot bath, and to bed.

Is this how housewives live? I cannot imagine having all of this time to myself! I don't even have kids, yet I feel guilty somehow, it's an embarrassment of riches. The least I can do is prepare a nice dinner for my poor husband, who had to work today. I feel very lucky and happy that I have a nice warm house, clean pugs in my lap, and the internet to bring me shows to waste my time with.  Oh, and a job that gave me today off with pay.

Maybe those housewives on that popular tv show would have been a bit less desperate if they had stayed in and watched tv more, instead of getting involved in each other's business all the time. That show is beyond ridiculous, and I know that the housewives who do the things they do and look the way they look while doing them are few and far between. Laziness is the key to staying out of trouble! In fact, I may go and take a little nap soon...feeling sleepy from my busy morning.

Long-time indie rock and pop fan discovers the joys of rap music. Film at 11.

So in the past few weeks, I have 'discovered' rap. That's right, rap. A friend gave me a copy of the newest Kanye West album, and ever since, I have found myself increasingly interested, not only in his music, but in his persona.

I confess I have always dismissed rap out-of-hand as 'not for me' until listening to this album. It is completely different from any music I have listened to, ever, and I think that's part of the appeal. It doesn't hurt that Kanye's style is a bit more accessible than other rappers I've heard bits and pieces of. He has a keen sense of melody and storytelling, which I always appreciate.

I've been consuming music at an alarmingly jaded rate these past few years, and my enjoyment of indie rock and the like has waned because of it. Lately, I have been more into pop music, especially dance music, ever since I started going to Zumba (I know how it sounds, but my sister-in-law teaches it, and it ain't your grandma's Zumba). The dance music is definitely linked to the escape I get when I dance in my hip-hop Zumba class, but the rap, well, the rap is providing a very different form of escape for me.

Oh, I know how it looks, and I'm a little self-conscious about it. I am a mid-30s, middle class white girl from the South who works a white-collar job, who drives around downtown Schenectady in her Elantra with the doors locked (locking my doors upon entry is a habit I picked up when living in New Orleans), with rap beats emanating from my car. I know, it's completely absurd. What could I possibly get from listening to a music that was not intended for me in any shape or form, that doesn't speak to my reality or my race or my here and now? I think I just answered that in formulating the question, but I'll attempt to explain further.

I am fascinated by this music because it is so brazenly honest and in your face, and I suspect that is what draws many so-called white people to rap music. There is no pretense, no protocol, no curse words to shy away from, no Ps and Qs to mind, no feelings to worry about hurting. Kanye appears to say exactly what is on his mind, but does so in a way that can be goofy, charming, brilliant, and downright nasty by turns. It is fresh and intriguing to my old ears that have listened  to years upon years of structured, guitar-driven, thoughtful, melodic, witty, depressing, esoteric rock and pop music in their lifetime. When I turn on Kanye and that attitude starts flowing, it's a welcome relief after putting up with other people's bullshit all day long.

I'm still fairly new, but so far his early albums seem to revolve around black-centric issues, it's true, but the subjects are very relatable no matter what your race--heartbreak, loving your mother, other people's expectations (or lack thereof), working shit jobs for no money, escapism, and the like. His new one--well, the misogyny and prevalent mentions of pussy I at times find off-putting (I can't listen to that song 'Blame Game, ever), but musically it is very complex and interesting.

We will see how far my new interest in rap extends. This might be a fixation on Kanye West specifically, or it could expand to other rappers. Only time will tell, and I can be a fickle bitch.