I have a strong premonition that I will end this year in a very different place than where I began it, and that my relations to the people in my life will shift and change. Nothing stays the same, change is the only constant, yadda yadda--we all know these platitudes well. But just when you think your life has stagnated, there you are, thrown into a new situation you couldn't have anticipated.
I am filled with a nameless dread of late, a blank anticipation of changes that are sure to come in the near future. I'm going to list them here in an effort to dispel some of my anxiety.
Friendships
I came to the realization last month that I have no real close female friends anymore. When did I become this person without close female friends? I have always considered myself a good friend, and I've always had a handful of tight friendships--but some of those have dissipated with distance, some are currently morphing into something else due to circumstance, and some I no longer find as immediate as they once were. After having a string of intense female friendships for most of my life, I find I have none, and I am strangely relieved. Most of my friendships with women have, more often than not, have been immediate and intense, until one of us disappoints or insults the other, choice words are exchanged, and the friendship ends with no contact whatsoever. I now have regular friendships (mostly with guys) that largely center around hanging out, talking, and going to lunch, and I'm ok with that. Still, it bothers me not to have a close female friend, because I've always had them, and I feel it's something missing from my life at the moment. More on that later.
Work
My job has recently become more stressful and demanding on my time than ever before, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I'm doing too much, or because certain projects are taking up too much of my time. Authors who were once tractable and somewhat reliable have recently become stark raving mad morons who withhold manuscripts out of spite, not for me, but for my company. Because of an upswing in queries from customer service and reps, and from micromanaging a software vendor, I am no longer able to keep my inbox in check, and I feel like things are spiraling out of my control, and that stresses me out.
Family
Even though I'm over a thousand miles away, my family stresses me the fuck out. My sister embroils herself ever deeper with a guy who had a nervous breakdown a few months ago. He's on meds now to control his episodes of extreme paranoia and depression. He will be moving into her new house with her, and she will probably run away and marry him at some point. I worry about my sister and her choices, but hey, she's an adult now, no one can tell her boo. The young think they have it all figured out, don't they? If they marry, I foresee a messy divorce once she finally comes to her senses.
I feel like my grandfather will probably die this year, finally realizing his lifetime goal. It is all he has talked about for at least the past 10 years--his death, his eulogy, his funeral. He asked me to start on his eulogy early so he could read it (I refused)--I think he fancies that I will write a eulogy for him that will make him sound like a saint, convinced that my words will somehow absolve him of all of the sins of his life, which include adultery, lying, and stealing money from my grandma; he is mistaken.
Speaking of grandma (or 'Maw-Maw' as I actually call her, for I am southern), I haven't spoken to her since she misdirected her anger at me instead of the right people at Christmas, and I can't bring myself to call her, and she hasn't called me either. I feel horrible about it, yet I refuse to call her. I think she owes me an apology, but I know I will never get one. Her small, frustrated, subjugated life depresses the hell out of me, and haunts me. I don't feel sorry for her anymore, because people make choices in life, and she chose poorly. How is that my problem?
It's a good thing I've been exercising so much, I think that is really helping with my stress levels. Tonight, for instance, I came home so completely demoralized after today's shenanigans that all I wanted to do was have a drink and go to bed--but I'm realizing that when I'm at my lowest is exactly when I need to exercise. I came back from class feeling much, much calmer. This nameless feeling of dread isn't going anywhere anytime soon, but between the exercise and the occasional drink, I keep it managed. I just hope that none of what I augur is as bad as I anticipate.
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