I read somewhere, I think in one of the baby books that I have, that one of the side effects of the hormone surge you experience during pregnancy is that it helps to make you a better mother, and in fact prepares you for motherhood, by making you more empathetic to babies, and eventually to your own child, ensuring that you handle the entire experience better and bond with your baby. Ever since I read that, it has disturbed me, making me view being pregnant as a somewhat hostile takeover, a kind of invasion of the body snatchers. I'm not overly sentimental by nature, and where most women coo over cute baby things, I mostly cringe and run away. In fact, I didn't care much for babies or toddlers, I prefer to interact with much older, more rational children. I just did not get enamored of babies. At all. I have never been one of those women who knew all their lives that they wanted to be a mother--in fact, to be honest, I viewed baby-crazy women with suspicion. It was just so other to me, so foreign, I had no conception of how they could feel that way. That is, until I held a friend's baby last year, and I felt something, and I thought, 'I want one of those,' for the first time in my life, ever. Maybe it was just the right time, but that set me down the path I'm currently on. It's like some secret program, long dormant in my brain, got switched on and started running a babymaking app in my head!
Now that I'm in the middle of my own pregnancy, I find myself studying myself and my reactions to things with a cautious eye. Little by little, millimeter by millimeter, I'm softening towards babies. I certainly notice them more now than I ever did. I'm more empathetic to women with children in public, and I smile at cute babies and children where I used to scowl or look away. Yes, it seems the hormonal brainwashing is upon me, and by degrees I find myself changing my reactions to babies in general. I find this disturbing. I realize that it is a part of what happens to you, but for me it raises all sorts of ontological questions. I mean, who are we really? Are we just the product of chemicals in our brains? How can I go from children leaving me cold to where I am now? But on the other hand, another part of me is grateful that this is happening to me, because I always wondered how people become mothers, and this has to be part of the secret. I mean, at times I simply cannot imagine myself as a mother, and I have fears that I will be a terrible, cold and distant mother, because I can't imagine caring for this baby, it's just not real to me still. So I'm thankful that something--mother nature, hormones, whatever--is taking over and making me a part of this process mentally and emotionally as well as physically.
I am still incredulous at the idea that I will be a mother in the next 6 months or so, and I find the idea almost hilarious--ME, a MOTHER? What?? I know I will get there, eventually. And I will have to make peace with the fact that I will probably become something altogether new, no longer the person I was, but not entirely different, either. I just wish other mothers could be more honest about their experiences--I feel like mothers who act like it's the greatest thing and spout platitudes like 'it will change your life for the better' and use phrases like 'the miracle of birth' do the rest of us newbies a disservice by ill-preparing us for the ups and downs of the ride before us. I see these women on the baby forums, going on about how their one life's aim is to have a baby, talking endlessly about the details of their pregnancies and their children, and I feel alienated.
No one likes to talk about the realities, the hard stuff, the trials and tribulations; no one talks about the loss of self that women must undergo to some degree, the changes that will happen in your marriage, good and bad--the picture that they paint is of a picture-perfect family life where women all love babies and want only more babies to make them happy. I still cringe at this kind of thinking--I mean, really people? Is that all there is? This baby is not my end-all, be-all, though I will certainly love it and will do all I can to make it feel loved and secure. But I am a person, I have thoughts and feelings, and I don't anticipate those being entirely subsumed by the baby; I don't think it's fair to the child either. I also don't think my marriage will get easier with a baby--I know things will get harder, and that some things will not be improved by the introduction of a new set of responsibilities in our lives. Babies aren't some kind of magical plaster that, when applied, make everything glowy and precious. Heck, babyhood itself doesn't last very long in the grand scheme of things--eventually that baby will turn into a child and an angry teenager, but no one talks about that.
Maybe I just don't 'get' motherhood yet. Maybe it's the kind of thing you never really get initiated into until it happens to you, and it hasn't happened to me yet, it's in process of happening. I know that babies are magical creatures, almost mythical in the hold they can have over people's imaginations. But I feel it is my duty to myself to be honest with what I'm feeling and going through, if for no other reason than to maintain my own sense of self throughout this process, and to document what happens to me along the way. It's going to be quite a ride.
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