Moody Monday

I've been thinking a lot about the nature of family lately--it's a constant theme in my life what with my troubled relationship with my mother--but my sister just visited this weekend so it got me thinking even more about what family means.

I'm nearly 10 years older than my sister, so we were never exactly close growing up. Sure, I babysat her, fed her, changed her diapers--but we were always too far apart in age to ever be real siblings. That has changed now that she's older and on her own. In a very real sense, it's like I just found out I had a sister a few years ago, because we don't really share too many childhood memories.

I'm very glad I have a sister, and that we have each other amidst all of the family craziness we share.  It's just odd being looked up to as a kind of surrogate mother-figure at times, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. She has different memories than I do of our mutual time at home (she was 8 when I left home at 18), and overall we have different influences given that we have different fathers and family histories. But for all of that, we have become close, at first mostly out of mutual disgust over the actions of our selfish mother, but more recently, we are starting to develop a relationship all our own.

All of this makes me realize how fortunate I am that I got out, and that I had the strength to get out, and stay out. I'm glad if I am an example for her that life can be lived in a (mostly) sane fashion, that you can build your own family if your real one sucks. I am sorry for her that she has no one, and I understand now why she has the boyfriend she does--she needs family! I wish I lived closer to her, I think it would do a world of good for her to have me nearby, and maybe even for my mother too--but if I moved back there it would ruin me, I would probably resent being cast in the role as everyone's rock, and my marriage would probably end over it because my husband can't stand their drama. Maybe I'm being selfish by wanting my own life; does that make me as selfish as my mother in the end, albeit in a different way?

It would be interesting to see a tv montage of what might have been had we never left Louisiana...I do think about that sometimes, probably more often than I should. But I have no regrets.