Living in limbo.

So I've done something potentially life-changing: I applied for a job down south. The interview was two weeks ago tomorrow. A series of personal connections landed me the interview, and the interview itself went really well. But for the last two weeks I've been living in a weird sort of limbo, where I can't make any definite plans for the summer or the immediate future because I simply must refrain from doing so until I have more information on what is going to happen.

They said they would let me know about the job either way, but that I would likely hear in early June or late May. It's really hard not to get my hopes up, because I'm sick of my job (it's just time for a change), and I'm sick of the weather here, sick of our neighborhood, sick of my daughter's private school. I know I'm setting myself up for extreme disappointment by daydreaming about leaving here this summer, but I can't stop. If nothing else, I'm learning that I'm more ready to leave here than I originally thought! 

They say you can't go home again (well, specifically, Thomas Wolfe said it). In many ways, I think that's unfortunately true. There will be many uncomfortable family-related things that I will need to confront and/or deal with. I've lived away from them for 15 years now, and I'm not used to regular contact, and there are a lot of uncomfortable conversations about politics and religion that I manage to avoid in my visits home. But the advantages of moving back outweigh any personal strife I will have initially with my family. 

Unless you've lived away from family for an extended period of time, you can't appreciate how fast things change when you're not there. One visit home, my sister is pregnant; the next, she has a baby; by the next planned visit, that baby will be crawling. Their lives have flown by for me, and my family and I have lived separate lives thousands of miles apart, and they're becoming like strangers because of the distance. Phone calls and video chat help, but it's no replacement for regular in-person contact. For many years I believed that I needed space to live my own life, because my mom's needs would have swallowed me up. Well I've had that space and then some. I no longer shrink from the fact that my family looks to me for guidance, as the voice of reason amidst the insanity; I welcome the challenge to feel that needed.

I'm ready for the next phase of my life. I turned 40 this year, so I think I've turned a corner in terms of life experience. I've been at the same job nearly 12 years now, and it's time to prove myself elsewhere and get paid a more realistic wage for the work I do. After 15 years I still don't feel personally connected to upstate New York; it's just not home, and I miss my family. I lost my grandfather this year; my grandma has dementia. I want to connect with and spend time with the rest of my family before we all get too old and/or it's too late. Love 'em or hate 'em, they're still your family at the end of the day. 

Whether I get this particular job or not, I know now that I'm ready to move, impatient even. It's hard to continue in the same situation once you've come to the conclusion, not just that you're ready to move on, but that you need to move on. You have to embrace the unknown and the uncomfortable because suddenly it's preferable to continuing to live in the prison of current reality. One step at a time and I'll get us home.