In New York State, I became an adult. In New York I got a real job, got married, bought a house, and had a baby. Along the way, I've made some good friends that I will hopefully have for life. But, Louisiana is where my family is. All of them. When I left for New York 12 years ago, I felt like my family didn't know me at all, didn't appreciate me for being 'different' than them; now, I'm starting to feel like I don't really know them at all, when I thought I did.
It's irrational, but when it finally hit me that my daughter wouldn't grow up Southern, and wouldn't know her Southern family except through those shallow twice-a-year visits, I realized that I had to do something to change that, because, much to my surprise, that is unacceptable.
Whether we choose to stay or go, we hurt someone's family, so we have to make the decision that is best for us in the end.
But I'm terrified that going back to live near my family again will put a strain on my marriage. Right now we have a very ideal existence, with family nearby that isn't intrusive and who we don't see everyday. Going home will mean we live near my family, which I haven't done since I left home at 18. My husband and I lived in New Orleans together for 6 years, but my family was an hour away and we lived in a one-bedroom apartment, so there wasn't the risk of a drop-by or an extended visit. This time, if we move back, it will be to the BR and not NOLA, so we'll be within 30 minutes of about 50+ current and past family members. Kinda scary.
I'm glad that we've lived here in New York for as long as we have. Otherwise, I wouldn't have gotten to know my in-laws as well. Our relationship will continue, because we will visit here twice a year instead, and they will come and visit us. But unlike my Southern family, my in-laws don't need us--they are very self-contained people who have a lot going on in their own lives. Back home, I would be the 'rock' for my mom and my sister--a role I've long resisted, but one that is inevitable and that I now choose to embrace as my lot in life. I once said to my husband that I would rather live far away from my family so that I could live my own life, instead of living near them and having to be there for them and deal with their drama (which has been significant); but now? I have lived my own life here, and I've become the person I am on my own--so I think moving back I'd be stronger and better prepared to create boundaries than I was 12 years ago.
Still, I worry that I'll hate living in Louisiana again, that my husband will hate it, and we will miss the independence of our lives here. We won't have friends there right away, only family, and with more family interaction comes more obligation, and for some reason, too many people in my family look to me to solve all their problems. I'll have to put limits on that. But maybe, just maybe, I'll gain a sense of community, if for no other reason than I will know more people per square mile down there than here? But will they be people I like? Here in NY, we surround ourselves with people we chose--friends--family is by definition more difficult because you don't choose them, and they can annoy the crap out of you.
If we hadn't had a baby, we probably would have lived here forever, or moved to some other random place. But we had a baby, and now suddenly my worldview has shifted in very unpredictable ways. I never dreamed I'd end up back in the BR again after so long--I haven't lived there since I was 14! I always thought if we moved back, it would be to NOLA--but now post-Katrina, it's as unsafe as it was when we lived there 12 years ago, plus housing is more expensive b/c of the influx of white college kids. BR is the best option if we are moving to be close to family, and hey, NOLA is only an hour's drive away, and we'll have tons of free babysitting. Right??
It's irrational, but when it finally hit me that my daughter wouldn't grow up Southern, and wouldn't know her Southern family except through those shallow twice-a-year visits, I realized that I had to do something to change that, because, much to my surprise, that is unacceptable.
Whether we choose to stay or go, we hurt someone's family, so we have to make the decision that is best for us in the end.
But I'm terrified that going back to live near my family again will put a strain on my marriage. Right now we have a very ideal existence, with family nearby that isn't intrusive and who we don't see everyday. Going home will mean we live near my family, which I haven't done since I left home at 18. My husband and I lived in New Orleans together for 6 years, but my family was an hour away and we lived in a one-bedroom apartment, so there wasn't the risk of a drop-by or an extended visit. This time, if we move back, it will be to the BR and not NOLA, so we'll be within 30 minutes of about 50+ current and past family members. Kinda scary.
I'm glad that we've lived here in New York for as long as we have. Otherwise, I wouldn't have gotten to know my in-laws as well. Our relationship will continue, because we will visit here twice a year instead, and they will come and visit us. But unlike my Southern family, my in-laws don't need us--they are very self-contained people who have a lot going on in their own lives. Back home, I would be the 'rock' for my mom and my sister--a role I've long resisted, but one that is inevitable and that I now choose to embrace as my lot in life. I once said to my husband that I would rather live far away from my family so that I could live my own life, instead of living near them and having to be there for them and deal with their drama (which has been significant); but now? I have lived my own life here, and I've become the person I am on my own--so I think moving back I'd be stronger and better prepared to create boundaries than I was 12 years ago.
Still, I worry that I'll hate living in Louisiana again, that my husband will hate it, and we will miss the independence of our lives here. We won't have friends there right away, only family, and with more family interaction comes more obligation, and for some reason, too many people in my family look to me to solve all their problems. I'll have to put limits on that. But maybe, just maybe, I'll gain a sense of community, if for no other reason than I will know more people per square mile down there than here? But will they be people I like? Here in NY, we surround ourselves with people we chose--friends--family is by definition more difficult because you don't choose them, and they can annoy the crap out of you.
If we hadn't had a baby, we probably would have lived here forever, or moved to some other random place. But we had a baby, and now suddenly my worldview has shifted in very unpredictable ways. I never dreamed I'd end up back in the BR again after so long--I haven't lived there since I was 14! I always thought if we moved back, it would be to NOLA--but now post-Katrina, it's as unsafe as it was when we lived there 12 years ago, plus housing is more expensive b/c of the influx of white college kids. BR is the best option if we are moving to be close to family, and hey, NOLA is only an hour's drive away, and we'll have tons of free babysitting. Right??
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