Find out who your real friends are: get pregnant!

We went to a wedding last night, and it wasn't exactly fun. Maybe it was because I wasn't drinking, or because I've been very introspective lately, but the things that used to be fun to me, just didn't seem as fun. And is it really true that your childless friends start separating from you once you have a baby? I'm afraid it is beginning to seem that way to me. What do people ask me now at parties? Well it's not, 'so what's new?' or 'have you seen this movie'; instead I get the solemnly whispered, "so how are you feeling?" followed almost immediately by "how far along are you?" and "so are you going to find out the sex?" And then their set of questions for a pregnant woman are exhausted, and they casually excuse themselves to talk to someone else.

I am sick to death of these questions. I am still a person here, people! Maybe people who have children become children-centric robots because people start treating them as such very early on, before the baby is even born! I mean COME ON! I used to be considered fun, people used to want to talk to me and include me in conversations, but now? Last night we were seated at a rectangular table, and we were unfortunately seated at the wrong end, and the person next to me sat forward with elbows on the table and head turned away from me the entire time, so enthralled were they with the conversation at the other end. When I suggested finally that we all stand up outside so that we could be part of the group conversation, one of my 'friends' down at the other end jokingly said, 'maybe nobody WANTS to talk to you.' Even though it was a harmless joke, that comment hurt, not just because I'm overly sensitive and hormonal just now, but because it is a newly deep-seated fear of mine.

Maybe people DON'T want to talk to a pregnant lady! I think people assume that being physically pregnant means that all of your waking thoughts are CONSUMED by your pregnancy, which is absolutely not true. But I must have been asked the same three questions a dozen times last night. I tried to steer the conversation to other things, but met with mixed results. Is it the lack of alcohol, or are people just afraid of pregnant women? It's not like I've suddenly become a saint or something just because life is growing inside me. I mean, the rapture happened and I didn't get taken, isn't that proof enough?

I can still curse and make jokes and gossip like I used to, but I feel like this pregnancy thing is slowly killing off my social life. I know the saying, if people stop hanging out with you, that's their loss, you know who your friends are, etc--but what if I have no real friends left after this baby is born? Will our only friends be other people who have kids? Is that an unfortunate reality of parenthood? And do you lose these childless friends because you are too tired and don't have the energy to maintain relationships with those self-centered friends of yours, or is it because your well-meaning friends are too busy treating you with kid gloves, inadvertently making you into a fun-sucking planet that they will eventually no longer invite to parties? I know, chicken or egg; it's probably a little bit of both.

Well I don't want to become one of those fun-sucking planets just yet. Admittedly, this was my first real social outing since being openly pregnant, and there were numerous challenges that I simply wasn't prepared for because I couldn't have anticipated them; the books don't discuss this new social awkwardness that people feel around you, or that you feel around them. But it's safe to say that I learned a few painful lessons, and I will not lose heart, and hopefully at the next gathering (next weekend, in fact) I will turn my tribulations into schtick and all will be well, at least for now. I have to find a way to continue to be myself but also to embrace my new circumstances, without losing my sense of humor.

Crumbs from Chilly California

Don't ask me what the title of this blog means, it just came to me. I'm sitting in my hotel room answering emails and feeling very full of myself at the moment. I just sent the last batch of the 'hey I got promoted so I will no longer be working with you' emails, and it felt great. Also, emails from reps have been trickling in with ideas for future signings, and revisions--I'm feeling giddy with the prospect of owning all of these things and bringing things into being that weren't there before (including the baby that's silently taking over my insides). Most of the time I feel overwhelmed, so I like to treasure these moments of excitement and mastery, because they show me that I made the right decision in taking the leap from my old, safe job to this new, scary one. Sure, it will take time for me to get my sea legs, but I am eager to make an impact!

I know this about myself: I like to listen and observe for a certain time period before I start talking and doing on my own, and I'm lucky that I've been afforded the opportunity to do so. I learn so much just from listening to my boss talk to customers, or to marketing, and seeing her interact with people via email. Part of me is impatient to do something, right away, but I have to keep reminding myself that it's ok to be where I'm at right now, to be learning and observing and planning.

Holycrapamoly!

What a week this has been! I have to take a moment to write it all down, it's been such a crazy ride.

Ok, so last week I was told that I got the promotion I'd been trying for, but with the caveat that I couldn't tell anyone, except a few close friends. So this week, they finally announced my promotion publicly on Tuesday, my birthday was Wednesday, and then Thursday morning I took a pregnancy test and it was positive (and then a blood test Friday confirmed it). Wham! Bang! Welcome to the rest of your life! Could the universe have been any less subtle about what it thinks I can handle?

I started embarking down the pregnancy path last fall, but the job thing only just happened in February, when they posted the positions. I expected one of them to 'take' so to speak, but both! At the same time! This is craziness, and a tad overwhelming--I have a lot of new responsibilities and new things to learn in my new job (which starts tomorrow, officially), and now some of my focus has been shifted away from that towards this baby thing. But I vow to give the same effort at the new job that I would have if a baby had not been interposed.

Still, it's exciting--I'm not really having any symptoms yet (I'm only in my 5th week), and I've told a handful of close friends so that I have people to talk to and commiserate with--but we have decided not to tell our nuclear families until right before we leave for London, and I will also be turning off commenting on my Facebook wall while we are gone to avoid random baby postings, and will probably send out a preemptive Facebook email to family members to keep them quiet! It's sad that I have to consider the FB element in something like this, but it's how we live today, and blurring the lines between work and family on FB is something to be cognizant of. The last thing I need is some distant cousin blabbing their fat mouth on FB about this for my co-workers to see!

I still can't decide when to tell my boss--I was going to tell her the first week of April when we're in California for work, but now I'm thinking I should wait until we return from London to be sure that this is really happening (that is, that we're out of the miscarriage window). Because once I tell her, it will be open season at work, and I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this being public knowledge too prematurely, as it could seriously backfire on me should something go wrong. So if she questions why I'm not drinking, I think I will just muster up some excuse about 'trying' and taking weeks off of drinking. That should hold for the time being. Let's hope she doesn't tell me something nasty to discourage me from trying right now given my promotion--that would be awful! I don't think she will though--she loves babies! Still, you never know how people will react, especially when they have a stake in your professional career.

Despite my usual tendency to look on the downside and expect the worst, I'm really trying to focus on the positive, and am taking it day by day. This is good news and anyone who tries to make me feel bad about it, isn't my friend. I can handle both jobs, and it's not like I'm delivering tomorrow! I have until Thanksgiving week to get adjusted to my new career and prove myself before I have to take a 3-month leave, and I will still get to travel to the sales meeting this summer.

Let the adventure begin!

Last post at 34

It's a quarter to midnight on the eve of my birthday, so I thought I would drop a few thoughts into the universe before I go to bed.

Today was the official announcement of my promotion--a week to the day after I was informed of it. Needless to say, it feels much different now that it is public knowledge! I am relieved to have that over with. I got tons of 'congrats' emails from random and various people throughout the company, some I don't even know, but who I'm sure I will be working with at some point in the future.

It's been weird, it kind of feels like I'm watching this happen to someone else, it doesn't feel quite real. But I'm sure it will feel all too real next week when I officially start. I already know what my first tasks will be right out of the gate, some daunting, some not so daunting. All in all, it's good, but weird.

Things are always weird at moments of transition, I realize this, but I welcome it. I am ready for it.

So on the eve of my 35th birthday, I get a promotion, and am able to fit into a dress that I couldn't fit into 6 months ago, because now I'm in the best shape of my life. How did I spend this night? Eating pizza, drinking wine, and watching episodes of Doctor Who. Yes, underwhelming, but isn't that life? At the end of the day, life goes on as before, on some levels, because it must.

Tired but Thankful Thursday

I stupidly went to two high-impact cardio classes tonight, and now everything is blurry, I'm so tired. Good news is I was able to complete the second one--sure it may have felt a tad like torture towards the end there, but I DID IT.

Now there's a bowl of mini-eggs and a glass of red wine within reach of my hand, and my feet up next to two sweetly sleeping pugs.  Last night I finished booking our London excursions, and just tonight I found the $100 that my father-in-law hid inside a fold-out map in one of the London guides they got us for Christmas.

Oh yeah, and on Tuesday I found out that I got the promotion I've been seeking for a couple of years now. And today the sun was out for the first time in weeks and it got up to 50 degrees.

Awesome weeks like this don't happen often, so I'm trying to enjoy it while it lasts.. Tomorrow the announcement about my promotion is supposed to go out to everyone, so I can stop keeping the secret.

This weekend kicks off my week-long birthday celebration.  My husband is taking me to dinner on Saturday and then out dancing, then we are going to his parents the next day for strawberry-rhubarb pie (my request) and gifts. Wednesday (my birthday) I took the day off, and plan to sleep in, go shopping, and hit two exercises classes in the afternoon (again). And then next weekend, I'm having a few friends over for a party.

I couldn't think of a better way to ring out my 35th year.

Stress Dreams

In the past week I have been subconsciously stressed while waiting to hear the verdict on a job I applied for nearly 6 weeks ago, and this has led to me having stressful dreams.

As if I weren't stressed enough when awake, my subconscious mind is now taking delight in placing me in nightmarish scenarios that don't resolve, and only end when I wake up.

The first dream I was back in high school but as an adult, wandering around labyrinthine hallways, searching for my locker, then finding it, only to discover that I didn't know the combination, and then searching endlessly for my classroom, feeling the entire time that I was going to be late to class. It was like experiencing first-day-of-school jitters all over again, except that I had a full-time day job, and was additionally stressed because I couldn't make the daytime classes. The whole dream I kept saying to myself, 'this is ridiculous, I should be able to find these things, I'm not giving up' but in the end I did give up after wasting hours (in the dream) trying to find the locker and then my classroom and not having any luck. I remember saying something in the dream like, 'I don't need school anyway because I have a job!'

Then this morning I had a work dream--my actual office was in the dream, as well as the people I work with--just the thing I want to dream about on a Sunday morning. In this dream I was suddenly laid off, and wasn't told why. I spent the entire dream trying to find out the reason, texting friends and colleagues to let them know I was fired, but no one would get back to me or even respond. I was shut out cold and left to guess the reason for my dismissal on my own, which was maddening. Was I was late too much? Did they track the amount of time I was on Facebook this week?  Did they find someone better to take my place? Are they laying me off because they are about to promote me to another position? Crazy stuff.

I also bite my nails when I'm really stressed. I was a nail-biter as a child, but as an adult I can control it most of the time, but when I'm stressed, I bite the nails and the skin around the nails, until my fingers are sore. When it's really bad I draw blood because I bite the same area repeatedly. It's pretty awful about now.

I think the way my company handles the interview process is pretty inconsiderate; I mean six weeks wtf?? And I already know I will have to wait another week at least, because some people are still interviewing this coming week, which means nothing will be communicated until the following week at the earliest. That week is also my birthday week. Let's hope it's good news, and that my party turns into a double celebration. In the meantime, I'm going to have to exercise a lot to keep my stress levels in check, and do my best to lose myself in mindless entertainment.

Something's afoot at the Circle K.

I have a strong premonition that I will end this year in a very different place than where I began it, and that my relations to the people in my life will shift and change. Nothing stays the same, change is the only constant, yadda yadda--we all know these platitudes well. But just when you think your life has stagnated, there you are, thrown into a new situation you couldn't have anticipated.

I am filled with a nameless dread of late, a blank anticipation of changes that are sure to come in the near future. I'm going to list them here in an effort to dispel some of my anxiety.

Friendships
I came to the realization last month that I have no real close female friends anymore. When did I become this person without close female friends? I have always considered myself a good friend, and I've always had a handful of tight friendships--but some of those have dissipated with distance, some are currently morphing into something else due to circumstance, and some I no longer find as immediate as they once were. After having a string of intense female friendships for most of my life, I find I have none, and I am strangely relieved. Most of my friendships with women have, more often than not, have been immediate and intense, until one of us disappoints or insults the other, choice words are exchanged, and the friendship ends with no contact whatsoever. I now have regular friendships (mostly with guys) that largely center around hanging out, talking, and going to lunch, and I'm ok with that. Still, it bothers me not to have a close female friend, because I've always had them, and I feel it's something missing from my life at the moment. More on that later.

Work
My job has recently become more stressful and demanding on my time than ever before, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I'm doing too much, or because certain projects are taking up too much of my time. Authors who were once tractable and somewhat reliable have recently become stark raving mad morons who withhold manuscripts out of spite, not for me, but for my company. Because of an upswing in queries from customer service and reps, and from micromanaging a software vendor, I am no longer able to keep my inbox in check, and I feel like things are spiraling out of my control, and that stresses me out.

Family
Even though I'm over a thousand miles away, my family stresses me the fuck out. My sister embroils herself ever deeper with a guy who had a nervous breakdown a few months ago. He's on meds now to control his episodes of extreme paranoia and depression. He will be moving into her new house with her, and she will probably run away and marry him at some point. I worry about my sister and her choices, but hey, she's an adult now, no one can tell her boo. The young think they have it all figured out, don't they? If they marry, I foresee a messy divorce once she finally comes to her senses.

I feel like my grandfather will probably die this year, finally realizing his lifetime goal. It is all he has talked about for at least the past 10 years--his death, his eulogy, his funeral. He asked me to start on his eulogy early so he could read it (I refused)--I think he fancies that I will write a eulogy for him that will make him sound like a saint, convinced that my words will somehow absolve him of all of the sins of his life, which include adultery, lying, and stealing money from my grandma; he is mistaken.

Speaking of grandma (or 'Maw-Maw' as I actually call her, for I am southern), I haven't spoken to her since she misdirected her anger at me instead of the right people at Christmas, and I can't bring myself to call her, and she hasn't called me either. I feel horrible about it, yet I refuse to call her. I think she owes me an apology, but I know I will never get one. Her small, frustrated, subjugated life depresses the hell out of me, and haunts me. I don't feel sorry for her anymore, because people make choices in life, and she chose poorly. How is that my problem?



It's a good thing I've been exercising so much, I think that is really helping with my stress levels. Tonight, for instance, I came home so completely demoralized after today's shenanigans that all I wanted to do was have a drink and go to bed--but I'm realizing that when I'm at my lowest is exactly when I need to exercise. I came back from class feeling much, much calmer. This nameless feeling of dread isn't going anywhere anytime soon, but between the exercise and the occasional drink, I keep it managed. I just hope that none of what I augur is as bad as I anticipate.